Author’s note: Mr. Serious Tone has taken a leave of absence and it’s Mr. Silly’s turn
It was near the end of June, where we saw a daily increase of the average temperature and humidity. Today, during a heavy rainfall, I had come to Kumai-kun’s house. He had told me to come by on our way home from school, so I did. With Uoyama-kun along, the three of us entered Kumai-kun’s room.
We settled down on floor cushions around a tray which had juice and snacks on it. For about 5 minutes already, Kumai-kun would repeatedly start to say something but then quickly shift to another topic. I was getting quite impatient, to be honest.
“Man, it sure is raining hard today.”
“We’ve talked about the weather for how many times now?”
“This is probably the third, right?”
That much already, huh? Man, just how thin is deck of conversation topics? …err, better not say that out loud. Else, he’ll retort and then expose how thin my own deck is. I mean, no one in this room is exactly good at banter.
“…I believe you guys can keep a secret, so let me tell you something.”
“Ohh”
While wondering just what it could be, I waited for his next words.
With a solemn expression, Kumai-kun took a sip of his juice and continued.
We’re friends, dude. If you’re this troubled, of course we’re going to help any way we can.
“I found a girl I really like, you see. But how do you think I should approach her?”
“Sorry, can’t help you there.”
“That request is beyond our powers…”
Along with Uoyama-kun, I gently shook my head.
Sorry, man, but approaching women is something I’m even worse at than banter.
“Oh come on, at least try to think about it! Spare me your wisdom!”
“I can’t spare you what I don’t have. Really sorry, man.”
“In the first place, why are you asking us? Seeking love advice from a socially-awkward, narcisistic, non-human fetishist and a gentleman who has devoted himself to tentacles, are you sure you’re alright in the head?”
“Hey!”
I repeatedly poked at Uoyama-kun’s side upon hearing that. I mean, just what did he think of me? I was socially awkward, sure, but those other things were just slanderous.
He guarded my pokes with his arm, but I was not deterred and simply poked with more precision.
Fool! We have different specs!
“I can’t help it. It’s not like I have anybody else to ask.”
“You’re living quite the sad life, don’t you…”
“You have my sympathy…”
“And yet you guys still won’t help?”
I mean, having only us to consult on his love life, that’s messed up.
“Fine. Aihara-kun had somehow slipped his contact info into my bag, so I guess I can try asking him for advice.”
“Huh? That’s scary”
If he was scared by that, Uoyama-kun wasn’t ready for the details: the contact info was bundled with 3 lewd books of “Fully Thicc Women”, wrapped and labeled with “For missionary work”.
Between putting the bundle in my bag without my permission, the fact that he brought such a thing to school, or just the books themselves being mentally draining from their covers onward…between those, I wasn’t sure which one was scariest.
Whichever one it was, he seemed to at least have only good intentions behind this action. He had the kind of eyes you would only really see in a shounen manga, one where the protagonist looks at their comrades with full belief. It was honestly the first time I ever saw eyes as pure as his were.
Aihara-kun, where are you facing? Also, why are you evangelizing to me? Can’t you please keep this to yourself? Like, let this start and end with you, please!
“It won’t work though. Kumai doesn’t trust the guy.”
“Huh? Why? Wait, were they on bad terms or something?”
“Nah, but they’re not close either. In fact, you’re the only one of us to have ever spoken to him, you know.”
“Ahh”
There was just no way one can talk to talk to somebody they don’t trust about the person you like. There was nothing to be done about that.
Back when I was in elementary, a classmate of mine said “I promise not to tell anybody, so tell me who you like”. I believed them and confided in them, but in the blink of the eye, the whole class knew who my crush was…
I didn’t even confess, yet I was rejected with a harsh “eww, no way”. That was likely what started the bullying too. I asked a teacher for advice about it, but they openly made a face that told me they found it troublesome and did nothing at all to deal with it.
Alright, let’s stop there. This sealed memory should remain sealed. I mean, I have Layla and Yukine now, right? And I’ve got over 2 million yen saved up already. Clearly, I’m the one who has the last laugh.
“It’s not really a matter of trust for me. It’s more because that guy, he’s my archenemy.”
“Say what now?”
“Ohh?”
What the heck is this guy talking about? Be it popularity with girls or position in the class’s social hierarchy, Aihara-kun has us beat. It’s not even a contest!
“Hey, Kyotaro…is he really into fat girls?”
“Yeah. If you want, I can show you some evidence.”
“No thank you, but why do you even have evidence?”
You see, Uoyama-kun, even though I returned those “for missionary work” materials, he kept on giving me some.
And while giving me new materials, Aihara-kun would whisper into my ear “tell me your impressions later☆”. He even gave a wink with his waste of a handsome face.
He could serve as a new kind of horror story, to be honest.
“I’m in the muscle faction, he’s in the fat faction. We’re like chocolate bars and daifuku: totally incompatible.”
“Actually, some stores have been using chocolate instead of red bean paste for daifuku recently.”
“Uoyama-kun, shut up!”
“Anyway, people are, of course, free to have their preferences, but the two of us just can’t be on friendly terms. In fact, if it wasn’t the Reiwa era right now, I’d have challenged him into a duel.”
“Wow, that bad?”
“I bet Aihara feels the same.”
“It’s really that bad?”
Upon thinking about it, I remembered that Aihara-kun would occasionally write things like “muscles are so old-fashioned” and “round and soft is the best” on the magazines he lent me. I was pretty much in head-empty mode as I scanned the magazines, so I didn’t worry too much about it, but now I was wondering if this could perhaps be Aihara-kun’s deterrent against Kumai-kun.
But then again, I had never told Aihara-kun about Kumai-kun’s preferences. I struggled to find a way for him to know about it too. Like, was he able to smell it from Kumai-kun? Was this a pervert’s sense of smell in action?
By the way, like I mentioned, I did flip through the pages before returning them since Aihara-kun insisted so much for my impressions. Truly, a guy straight out of a horror story. Just so scary.
“So yeah, you guys are the only ones I can turn to, so please help!”
“Hmm…”
It certainly wouldn’t do to force Kumai-kun to consult someone he didn’t even want to talk to.
I suppose, as his friends, we’ll have to rack our brains for this one.
“I understand. I doubt we can do think of any solid plan, but we’ll do what we can to help.”
“And if things turn out great, hey, treat us to some ramen, ok?”
“You two…thank you! I’ll pay you back for this.”
Kumai-kun flashed a smile over his old-looking face.
At any rate, if he was in love…
“So, is the other party a body builder? Or maybe a martial artist?”
“Or can it be a gorilla from a zoo? Sorry to say, but gorillas can’t understand human language, you know.”
“Uoyama,”
“Hm?”
“Be ready for a punch later.”
“What, why?”
That was harsh but fair.
“Actually, this is her…”
He said so and then held out his phone. Upon seeing the woman being displayed on the screen, a gasp of astonishment escaped from my mouth. I gasped not as a man, a member of the opposite sex. Rather, it was because as an adventurer—despite my shortcomings—I felt a sense of admiration for her figure.
If I might be so crude, I would say my first impression of her was “Amazoness”.
What covered her golden-brown tanned body were nothing more than her bikini armor and a waistcloth made of some animal’s hide. Yet, she didn’t look obscene at all.
Her limbs looked as thick and tough as logs. Her exposed abs definitely was a 6-pack. And her chest evoked only the term pectoral muscles in my mind. Like, bras for her were probably nothing more than sports bras and armors.
Her neck just made one want to ask if it was just part of her head. Like, could a human neck—with only muscles and no fat—really get that thick?
Her jaw looked like it could easily chew through even a person’s bone. Her facial features were like that of a hawk’s: her eyes were sharp and her nose was slightly crooked. Was it prejudiced of me to think “she looks like she gets into fights daily”?
“Her name’s Kurumatani Tetsuko. She’s 22, and a full-time adventurer.”
Being a full-time adventurer meant being an adventurer was one’s main or maybe even only source of income. That was quite bold, in my opinion.
I was overwhelmed by her intimidating presence as a “warrior” which I could feel even through a screen, but then I noticed something on her head.
It’s hard to tell because of her dreadlocks, but are those…animal ears? Are those bear ears?
“Is she a beastfolk?”
“To be precise, she’s half. Isn’t she so cute?”
Geez, please. No offence meant to her, but I wasn’t even looking at her as a girl, only as a warrior. But a half-beastfolk, huh. It’s my first time to see one.
[Demi-humans] were only about 10% of the whole Awakened One population. They were further divided into categories like elves, dwarves, and beastfolk.
Elves were known for their long ears, beautiful facial features, high magic power, and heightened senses. However, they also tended to be slender and not too physically strong. Of course there were exceptions, like a certain degenerate elf—well, technically though, she was a half-elf.
Dwarves, both the men and the women, were exceptional in terms of strength and sturdiness, but in exchange, their hearing was a little bit poor. The facial hair on the male dwarves were sensitive as though they were some kind of sensor, even boasting enemy search capabilities better than their eyes when in the dark. The men looked totally like middle-aged men while the women were more or less “loli kyonyuu”, which were women who looked childlike but with big boobs.
And then, there were beastfolks. They were Awakened Ones who possessed animal traits. Their abilities differed based on which animal they were mixed with. For example, a rabbit beastfolk would have exceptional sense of hearing and jumping power, while a horse beastfolk had incredible leg strength. Fundamentally though, beastfolks had good physical abilities while their magic was low. Having said that, the fox beastfolks seemed like the exception to this rule.
I had heard that bear beastfolks were physical activity powerhouses. And even though this girl Kumai-kun liked was only a half-beastfolk, her body still looked like this. That was quite amazing.
“Ah, by the way, I heard that it’s her father who is the bear beastfolk, while her mom’s a dwarf.”
“So, she’s pretty much muscle royalty?”
“Actually, female dwarves don’t look too muscular. So, this muscular body of hers is either her taking after his father or due to her own effort.”
“You sound so well informed, Kyotaro.”
“I did a bit of research into them before.”
To be more specific, when I was looking for lewd mags to counteract the effect Aihara-kun’s proselytizing, I took an interest in those that featured female dwarves. So, out of us 3, I was confident I was the most knowledgeable about them.
But obviously, the best antidote to Aihara-kun’s poison was Layla and Yukine’s solace. Yup, boobs were magnificent. Boing boings were the best!
“Hold on though, if you know even her family structure, doesn’t that make you two quite close already?”
“Yeah, so, what do you need our advice for?”
If he was asking us on how to take the next step, that was a much higher hurdle. Thinking so, I looked at Kumai-kun, but he silently avoided meeting my gaze.
“…hey, don’t tell me you…”
“Looking more closely at this photo you showed us, doesn’t her head seem like she’s looking somewhere else instead of the camera?”
When Uoyama-kun mentioned that, I returned my gaze to the phone. It was just like he said. The photo seemed to have been taken inside the dungeon, but more importantly, it looked like it was taken from the footage of a body cam we adventurers wore for remuneration purposes.
When I swiped my finger across his phone’s screen, I saw plenty more of what looked to be stolen shots of Kurumatani-san…
“Your Honor, your verdict?”
“I find him guilty of stalking”
“Wait! It was just a coincidence! I just happened to see her inside a dungeon!”
“Then, how did you know her name and even her family structure?”
“Spit it out.”
If the need for it arose, I was seriously ready to report him to the cops. Obviously, I wanted to avoid doing that to a friend, but I should be ready for the worst case scenario.
“I asked a receptionist in the Dungeon Store! That’s it! I’m not lying!”
“Like hell that happened! The Dungeon Store won’t give out our personal information that easily!”
“No, they will, actually.”
“Kyotaro, you serious?”
“Serious.”
“Serious, huh”
It was lamentable, but my previous experience with the Store made me lose faith on them. Those guys gave out our info too easily.
“I think it’s my sincere discussion about muscles that made an impression and convinced them to give me her info.”
“Is that your way of saying you threatened or maybe tortured them?”
“Or maybe they thought that he was trying to recruit her? It looks like she’s exploring the dungeons alone.”
“You think so?”
“Yup”
Uoyama-kun nodded and handed me Kumai-kun’s phone.
“Look, she’s alone here”
“You’re right”
There was indeed no one around Kurumatani-san as she walked, her amazing back muscles visible on camera.
“But wait a minute. If this was inside a dungeon, then shouldn’t you have been together with this voyeur?”
“Hey, easy with the slander!”
“I should be, yes, but if I had the time to memorize each and every adventurer that I happen to encounter in the dungeon, I would rather spend it burning Aina and Tuare’s majestic figure into my mind. If not that, I’d be keeping watch on our surroundings like usual.”
“……I’ll ask just to be sure, but who are Aina and Tuare?”
“What do you mean? They’re my familiars. You were there to help me catch them, Kyotaro.”
“Gotcha”
To the Ainas and the Tuares around the world, on behalf of Uoyama, I apologize. Sorry.
“Getting back on topic, guys, I’ve finally found my soulmate here! If my estimates are right, she’s 196 cm tall! 117Kg! And an overall body fat of about 8%! A muscular body for battle borne not because of her race but because of her own hard work!”
“Did you also get her height and weight from asking the Store?”
“No, eyeballed them. But because it’s just that, I might be off by 1cm and 1Kg.”
“I see. It’s the same as how I can tell how long or thick a tentacle is with just a glance.”
Those sound like some sort of Magic Eye. Like Magic Eye: Muscles, or Magic Eye: Tentacles.
I could eyeball a woman’s cup size, but to give out an accurate measurement was beyond me. In light of that, I had to ask: what are they, some new kind of monster!?
“So, do you know where Kurumatani-san lives or at least the dungeons she frequent?”
“…about that, there’s something I’d like to ask you for, Kyotaro”
“What is it?”
“Well, like, can you use your Future Sight to deduce the general area of where she’s active?”
“There’s no way I can do that, dude”
“For real!?”
“Looking at me like the world’s about to end won’t change anything.”
I could not do what I could not do. It was as simple as that. If my Magic Eye was as omnipotent as that, I would have already used it to pinpoint Hanazono Karen’s current location and report it to Togo-san.
“My dreams…shattered…!”
“Ahh, have you tried going to the dungeon where you saw her before? You know, the one in these pictures. Most people don’t really switch up the dungeons they visit, right? At least not quickly. So maybe you can meet her again there?”
Despite saying that, I was pretty much all over the place. Perhaps the only one that could be described as a dungeon I frequented was the Salamander Dungeon. For most adventurers though, it would seem that they had a list of dungeons they set as their hunting grounds. But it also seemed like that behavior was causing problems in regards to the culling of the so-called dungeons. That was a story for another time though.
“That’s looking like your only choice. So, rather than debate it further, why don’t we focus on how you’re going to talk to her?”
“Eh, but that’s so embarrassing…”
“Eww”
“I think I’m gonna throw up”
Seeing Kumai-kun act so bashful made me feel intensely nauseous.
Dude, only pretty and beautiful women are allowed to act like that, you know? Take a look at a mirror and tell me if you’re one, you damned gorilla.
“Th-then, why don’t you guys tell me how you’d start talking to the girl you like, huh!?”
“…n-nice weather we’re having, ain’t it?”
“Is that all your pathetic conversation starter deck has!?”
“What was that!?”
In my head, I retorted with “I don’t want to hear that from you” but since what he said was true, I didn’t say anything more.
“Mine would be ‘So, what kind of tentacles do you like being put in your urethra?’”
“You really gave that some serious thought, didn’t you?”
“Of course. It’s for my friend’s romance, so I came up with the best pick up line I could think of. So, how about it?”
“I see, I’ll keep it in my backpocket for now, I think…”
“Man, you’re not going to use it right away?”
I think the better question is will that line work at all. …actually, never mind, it likely will. On someone like him, that is. They’d be like “my kindred!” and then engage in a lively conversation about tentacles.
“Ghh…! What should I do…ah, I got it! How about you two act like you’re going to attack her and then I beat you up to save her!?”
“I’d like to see you try. We’d make minced meat out of you.”
“We’d make sure you can’t ever crap again.”
“It was a joke! Just a joke!”
Seriously dude, don’t act like your friends are just disposable things to you, dammit.
We continued talking about stupid stuff like that for about an hour. We stopped there though and made our way home because we didn’t want to be a nuisance to his family. But it looked like Kumai-kun’s worries were far from over.
…on another note though, Aihara-kun one day handed me his self-made lewd doujin. Which made me think if I should deal with this new kind of harassment seriously anytime soon.
And then, at a later date, I decided to ask him to stop, to which he promised to comply. That said, he also said to me: “but for all the impressions you’ve been you’ve been earnestly giving me about the previous magazines…as I thought, you have talent☆”. He then gave me a wink. I felt justified in wordlessly giving him a middle finger.
Taroppe-sensei(author)’s Q&A corner
Thank you for reading!
Also, please consider leaving some of your thoughts, a review, and bookmark the title over at the narou site (https://ncode.syosetu.com/n7336ie/)
Your support is appreciated and I hope you continue doing so.
Q: Did Aihara really know about Kumai’s preferences?
A: Aihara: “I knew the moment I laid eyes on him. I knew that he would be lifelong nemesis”
Q: Why is is that the Dungeon Stores’ information management is so sloppy!?
A: Staff member: “it’s dangerous to go alone, so we thought it would be better for them to form a party…we didn’t think either party was being motivated by their sexual preferences.”
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